02-04-2018, 02:15 PM
(This post was last modified: 02-05-2018, 09:53 AM by BenVater.
Edit Reason: minor errors, punctuation
)
IGN: BenVater
Genre: Comedy
How Do You Like Them Apples?
The room was often crowded and sometimes noisy. It was full of adventurers, of course - but these were outnumbered 2 to 1 by their pets. One could often tell who had been adventuring longer by the type of pet owned, but not always. At one particular table, both adventurers had identical pets, and the often-confusing almost-identical names as well.
Ben's ent was chomping down an apple, while the other Ben's ent looked on wistfully. Their mammoths were each gorging themselves on large baskets of apples.
"Are you starving your ent, BenV?" asked Ben.
"Not exactly," said the other Ben, "I give him the occasional apple to satisfy my OCD and round out his training." He paused, then continued, "Have you ever considered the ethical issues of feeding apples to ents? I mean it is sort of like cannibalism."
"Hmm," answered Ben, "never really worried about it. Anyway, feed it enough apples and it won't be an ent anymore."
"Yeah," said Dave, who had been listening in, "I've got my two iceporcs thanks to a healthy fruit habit."
Ben admired the frosty, little critters. "Say, Dave," he said, suddenly, "they look a little sad. Do you ever pet them?"
"And get frostbite in multiple puncture wounds? No, thanks!" The iceporcs looked even sadder at this.
Ben turned back to the other Ben, "So, what else would you feed an ent?"
"Well," said BenV, "I've got this huge pile of fish meat. Rather than sacrifice all of it to some unidentified power, maybe a little of that. After all, early farmers planted fish along with their corn to fertilize it - or so I was told in school."
"Won't work," said Dave, "for some reason - probably for the same reason you can't fish with dynamite."
Ben chimed in, "Is that why you carry all that dynamite around and never use it?"
"Oh, I'll use it someday," said Dave. He turned and checked the bulky pack at his side, which strained at the seams with its load.
BenV continued, "Then there's all the things we kill constantly. Maybe not all of them are edible, though I think an ent might do fine digesting a zombie. I've left several billion corpses out there to rot."
"Ah," said Dave, "I think they tried that at first, but there were several problems."
"Like what?" asked Ben.
"Well, in many cases, the pets spent more time eating than fighting, some died of obesity, others didn't know what was edible and what wasn't, and - in the worst cases - some were feeding so enthusiastically that they ate their masters. It wasn't unheard of to come across a lone snake with a suspicious bulge that it was busy digesting - and don't get me started on the axe-wielding wabbits. So, they were genetically engineered to be vegetarian. It's all for the best."
"You know," said Ben, "if we weren't so busy deforesting the land, we might have some trees left over that could actually produce apples."
The other two nodded assent. "Ah, well, mustn't contend with the powers that be," said BenV. "At least there are many other ways to get apples."
The three were suddenly approached by a well-dressed man - obviously not an adventurer. "Ahem!" the stranger interjected, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation." The adventurers did not reply, so he continued, "It so happens that I have an infinite stock of apples, guaranteed the best price in the universe."
Other adventurers paused their conversations as the salesman began to announce his wares.
"Wait a minute!" yelled Hoggy, interrupting his spiel, "You're that shopkeeper!"
"Price gouger!" Lili called out. Other voices jumped in with loud disapproval.
The salesman started to flee for the door, but it was blocked by the sudden entry of adventurers with pets so heavily covered by filth and blood that it was hard to identify them. Greetings rang out from the crowd, "Driller!", "Milenko!", "Tzarmy!"
"Challenge queue cleared!" one announced and everybody cheered.
The beasts jostled the salesman until his fine suit was filthier than they were. With a strangled cry of disgust, he rushed out the door, amidst catcalls from the crowd. "How do you like them apples?"
Genre: Comedy
How Do You Like Them Apples?
The room was often crowded and sometimes noisy. It was full of adventurers, of course - but these were outnumbered 2 to 1 by their pets. One could often tell who had been adventuring longer by the type of pet owned, but not always. At one particular table, both adventurers had identical pets, and the often-confusing almost-identical names as well.
Ben's ent was chomping down an apple, while the other Ben's ent looked on wistfully. Their mammoths were each gorging themselves on large baskets of apples.
"Are you starving your ent, BenV?" asked Ben.
"Not exactly," said the other Ben, "I give him the occasional apple to satisfy my OCD and round out his training." He paused, then continued, "Have you ever considered the ethical issues of feeding apples to ents? I mean it is sort of like cannibalism."
"Hmm," answered Ben, "never really worried about it. Anyway, feed it enough apples and it won't be an ent anymore."
"Yeah," said Dave, who had been listening in, "I've got my two iceporcs thanks to a healthy fruit habit."
Ben admired the frosty, little critters. "Say, Dave," he said, suddenly, "they look a little sad. Do you ever pet them?"
"And get frostbite in multiple puncture wounds? No, thanks!" The iceporcs looked even sadder at this.
Ben turned back to the other Ben, "So, what else would you feed an ent?"
"Well," said BenV, "I've got this huge pile of fish meat. Rather than sacrifice all of it to some unidentified power, maybe a little of that. After all, early farmers planted fish along with their corn to fertilize it - or so I was told in school."
"Won't work," said Dave, "for some reason - probably for the same reason you can't fish with dynamite."
Ben chimed in, "Is that why you carry all that dynamite around and never use it?"
"Oh, I'll use it someday," said Dave. He turned and checked the bulky pack at his side, which strained at the seams with its load.
BenV continued, "Then there's all the things we kill constantly. Maybe not all of them are edible, though I think an ent might do fine digesting a zombie. I've left several billion corpses out there to rot."
"Ah," said Dave, "I think they tried that at first, but there were several problems."
"Like what?" asked Ben.
"Well, in many cases, the pets spent more time eating than fighting, some died of obesity, others didn't know what was edible and what wasn't, and - in the worst cases - some were feeding so enthusiastically that they ate their masters. It wasn't unheard of to come across a lone snake with a suspicious bulge that it was busy digesting - and don't get me started on the axe-wielding wabbits. So, they were genetically engineered to be vegetarian. It's all for the best."
"You know," said Ben, "if we weren't so busy deforesting the land, we might have some trees left over that could actually produce apples."
The other two nodded assent. "Ah, well, mustn't contend with the powers that be," said BenV. "At least there are many other ways to get apples."
The three were suddenly approached by a well-dressed man - obviously not an adventurer. "Ahem!" the stranger interjected, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation." The adventurers did not reply, so he continued, "It so happens that I have an infinite stock of apples, guaranteed the best price in the universe."
Other adventurers paused their conversations as the salesman began to announce his wares.
"Wait a minute!" yelled Hoggy, interrupting his spiel, "You're that shopkeeper!"
"Price gouger!" Lili called out. Other voices jumped in with loud disapproval.
The salesman started to flee for the door, but it was blocked by the sudden entry of adventurers with pets so heavily covered by filth and blood that it was hard to identify them. Greetings rang out from the crowd, "Driller!", "Milenko!", "Tzarmy!"
"Challenge queue cleared!" one announced and everybody cheered.
The beasts jostled the salesman until his fine suit was filthier than they were. With a strangled cry of disgust, he rushed out the door, amidst catcalls from the crowd. "How do you like them apples?"